Mark Zuckerberg thinks employees 'lovingly' call him 'Eye of Sauron'

If there is anyone to read The Lord of the Rings trilogy the wrong way, it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I say this because there’s no other possible explanation for his recent interpretation of a nickname bestowed to him by his underlings. “Some of the folks I work with at the company — they say this lovingly — but I think that they sometimes refer to my attention as the Eye of Sauron,” Zuckerberg recounted while on The Tim Ferriss Show last month. “You have this unending amount of energy to go work on something, and if you point that at any given team, you will just burn them.”

... Let us break this down line by line, shall we?

Zuckerberg’s Quote: Extended Edition — Okay, let’s start with Zuck’s opening contextual statement: “Some of the folks I work with at the company.” Already, this betrays a surreal misread of Meta’s hierarchy; no one works with Mark Zuckerberg, they work for Mark Zuckerberg. Perhaps the company’s CEO truly thinks he’s running an egalitarian enterprise over at corporate HQ on 1 Hacker Way — perhaps, but almost certainly not. That means Zuckerberg is already, unsurprisingly skewing the anecdote in his favor.

Moving on: “They say this lovingly.” Alright, come on, Mark. In all honesty, this aside has almost certainly been slurred verbatim by Donald Trump — and yet when you think about it, not even Trump would take such an obviously negative nickname and think it’s actually a good thing. He may sarcastically and nihilistically spin it as a positive, but at the very least he recognizes when he’s being dunked on — that’s sort of Trump’s whole thing. Zuckerberg is incapable of even this. Anyway, moving on...

Fly, you fools — “I think that they sometimes refer to my attention as the Eye of Sauron.” Oh, you “think” so, Zuck? Do they or don’t they? If it’s true, put some confidence behind your story. If it’s not, then why they hell would anyone make up such a name for themselves?

Which brings us to the final portion of the quote in question: “You have this unending amount of energy to go work on something, and if you point that at any given team, you will just burn them.” That “unending amount of energy” Zuckerberg is referring to is what’s often called a manic episode — not that anyone would ever say that to his face, because he is the “Eye of Sauron,” after all, and he “will just burn them” with his righteous Meta zeal.

Who in Eru Ilúvatar’s green Middle Earth would think getting nicknamed after a Big Bad known for disintegrating the willpower of anyone he looks at is a “loving” moniker? Mark goddamn Zuckerberg, that’s who. This concludes our close read of Mark’s anecdote. We look forward to learning how he interprets the Facebook office mail clerk who calls him the Night King for funsies.