Tesla’s Technoking swears the company hasn't sold any more Bitcoin

SpaceX CEO, Tesla “Technoking,” and average-at-best sketch comedian Elon Musk’s continued flirtations with SEC violations continued today when the walking, talking Meme T-Shirt in a Suit Blazer tweeted a clarification that, despite repeatedly hinting at his growing Bitcoin disillusionment, Tesla apparently has not sold any of its holdings in the world’s best-known cryptocurrency.

Musk’s past antics (which he probably describes to dinner party guests as “chaotic good” because he’s definitely that guy) have recently sent crypto markets plummeting almost across the board, with Bitcoin sinking around 20% in four days before his vague attempt at a panacea in this morning’s wee hours. After the brief uptick in value following Elon’s assurances, as of writing this, Bitcoin is nearly back to the price point it was at just before the latest Techoking trolling incident.

For crypto enthusiasts, this guy seriously cannot blast off to Mars soon enough.

He’s already profiting from the economic whiplash — Not to nitpick, but Musk’s early morning tweet alleging that Tesla “has not sold any Bitcoin” is a bit of a misrepresentation. Lest anyone forget: After the electric vehicle company’s initial $1.5 billion investment in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency back in February, Musk / his electric vehicle company sold off a chunk during the subsequent, surely anticipated price surge, netting them at least $101 million in profits during the first quarter of this year.

Then, just last week, Tesla announced a reversal to an earlier promise (made around the same time as Musk’s massive crypto investment) to accept Bitcoin as payment for its EVs. Musk cited environmental concerns for the pause, and while that’s certainly a valid critique, it’s hard to swallow as the actual reason for his decision, given there’s no way he wasn’t already aware of the energy costs tied to Bitcoin mining.

It’s probably also worth noting that Musk hasn’t sold off his remaining Bitcoin, probably given the cryptocurrency’s relative depreciation. As of right now, the real world Vault Overseer can technically say that yeah, he hasn’t sold off any more Bitcoin. But don’t expect that to hold forever, because...

Doge be damned — Amidst all this is the Great Doge Deception of 2021. Musk has extolled the virtues of Dogecoin for months, going so far as to recently confirm a SpaceX lunar satellite launch financed by the joke cryptocurrency set for next year. The Technoking’s backing of the “shitcoin” has caused Doge’s own value to skyrocket in the meantime... resulting in a bubble that will certainly never burst and ruin the finances of countless impressionable, often young, Elon Musk fans.

Regardless of your opinion on cryptocurrency’s validity and tenability, it’s a form of finance created specifically to resist the influences of outside bad faith actors like Musk. Continuing to plan your monetary future based on people like him simply repeats the age-old cycles of wealth hoarding that get us nowhere while getting Musk ever richer.