We really want to hate Dogepalooza, but it seems very nice

Dogecoin is the worst. Like, where do we even begin with that thing? Okay, first off, it’s a self-admitted parody currency (unlike the U.S. dollar, which is most certainly not a societal construct and / or itself a sad joke). That’s annoying enough on its own, but despite debuting back in 2013, the self-described “shitcoin” is still very much alive and kicking, almost entirely thanks to Elon Musk... which sorta makes sense, since he is essentially the living embodiment of Dogecoin, i.e. an overextended, inflated joke cloaked in technological babble.

There are dumb Dogecoin sex toys. Dumb Dogecoin satellites. Dumb Dogecoin market manipulation schemes. And now, a dumb Dogecoin festival that is, of course, called Dogepalooza...

So why does this event, taking place October 9 in Sugar Land, Texas, look so wholesome and, dare we say it, fun?

D.O.G.E. — “It’s an all-around global celebration and movement of: Do Only Good Everyday (DOGE),” reads the festival’s About page, which sounds very nice, if we’re being honest. There’s a whole section dedicated to the numerous charities it is supporting through the even, including the Lupus Foundation of America, Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation, and Disabled American Veterans. Accidental Twitter star Dionne Warwick and her son, Damon Elliott, are also performing, with more musical acts to be announced soon...

Oh, come on. There’s even an explicit declaration that “Dogepalooza supports diversity and is a negative and toxic free zone. Equity and unconscious bias are paramount. We are an Ally, supporting underrepresented or marginalized groups. All are welcome. We value Neurodiversity and recognize the Non-Binary.” Alright, fine. Dogepalooza looks like it will be a very pleasant time, and we wish it all the best. Goddamnit.

Oh, look, here’s somewhere to direct our rage — Okay, well now we don’t know what to do with all of these feelings of annoyance we expected to be able to lob in Dogepalooza’s direction. Oh wait, here we go: Get a load of this person, who apparently stole over $600 million in various cryptocurrencies earlier this week, only to return the funds a few days later claiming it was all “for fun.” Although the still-anonymous hacker is trying to make things out like he was merely a white hat attempting to point out the security flaws in a particular system, it seems far more likely they realized they couldn’t easily withdraw the $600 million into a bank account and remain anonymous for much longer.

Ahh yeah. That’s where we needed our rage to go today. We’re feeling much better now.