Who the fuck wants a coffee crack pipe?

This morning, before I had my coffee, I was jolted awake on the way to the office by a revolting invention. There exists in this hellscape a little gadget called the "Bripe," and I kid you not when I say its sole function is to freebase coffee. I did not indulge in this warped ritual; I merely saw a video from Popular Mechanics that's making the rounds this week.

Look at that thing! It is a shameless, utterly tone-deaf crack pipe for coffee. If this is the product of male friendship, it's time to ban two or more men from associating with each other. I'll gladly give up my beloved group chat of basketball highlights and memes in order to prevent further totems of blasphemy making their way to the market. And do I even need to tell you that the two minds behind this are white? Who else would take an item involved in the crack epidemic that plundered and still has aftershocks in largely black communities and refit it for the often obnoxious coffee culture?

It's not cute or funny if this is how you get your "fix" — a term, or variation thereof, I'm all but certain has come out of every pair of lips before they went on to hit this ignominy. Should you see a Bripe IRL, this is the only appropriate response:

Besides all that, making coffee outdoors is not difficult. You need a source of heat, something to boil water in, and any one of the numerous brewing systems offered by outdoor companies. Packing this collapsable little dripper from Snow Peak is much preferable to carrying around a fucking pipe and torch for your beans. It's also cheaper and made in Japan.

I'm so exhausted by the Bripe, and no amount of coffee can bring me back.