Eight gay items I took to Disneyland Paris (plus two straight ones)

This fall I traveled to Paris with my fiancé on a whim for two weeks. We got an insane deal on the airfare and decided we needed to be in Europe more than we needed our savings account. While our trip was filled with cultural enrichment and high minded history and art, we also made time to hit the Moulin Rouge and Disneyland Paris — much to my delight.

You need a stylish and capable backpack when traveling, bare minimum. I prefer mine to come loaded with features and the Vandra comes with an anti-shock laptop pocket, separate compartments for office and sports equipment so your sweaty bits need not touch your portfolio, a wired padlock to keep greedy European youths from pickpocketing you, external USB chargers to keep your gadgets juiced up, and a sunglass holder in case you're either not a badass or you're the British Empire and the sun sets on you. It’s also waterproof — which comes in handy in Paris when it rains and at theme parks where the first three rows of anything can expect to get wet.

Disney parks are known for their delicious cuisine but tend to sell food at a premium – including bottled water. Although I found the food options in Paris to be both more affordable and higher quality than their American equivalents, no amount of Disney magic can improve on drinking water. Save yourself some euros and bring this collapsible and refillable water bottle.

Although Disneyland Paris is spearheading an improved FastPass system that makes getting on your must-ride experiences a cinch, all theme parks are going to feature some kind of interminable wait amongst screaming children and nagging parents. If you don’t want to hear the shrieks of French babies or British adults, the new AirPods Pro can save your ass with their amazing noise cancelling functions.

This is a safe space for those of us whose bodies do not feature a thigh gap. In the days before I knew better, I once got so chafed after walking dozens of miles around Disney World my freshman year of college that I got an infection that had to require surgery. It was revolting and I lied to everyone I met on campus about what had happened and why I was attending classes in a wheelchair. This is a true story and a deep shame of mine. Save yourself some trouble and pick up a cheap stick of Body Glide to keep you moving and grooving around a hot park even during the height of summer.

We are all prone to misplacing things when galavanting between continents and even though Disneyland Paris has a robust lost-and-found system and many English speaking attendants, you do not want to be the guy who loses his wallet and forces them to shut down the Ratatouille ride to find it only to discover you left it in the Fantasyland bathroom. Slap a Tile on your valuables and stop worrying about losing those precious new AirPods Pro.

Those fashionable shoes you picked up in that adorable Parisian shop? They’re exquisite and they’re going to make your feet literally bleed after a day running between Disneyland park and Disney Studios park. These inserts are like walking on air and will even keep your feet smelling nice in case you happen to meet a sexy European you’d like to take back to your hotel room for some Disney+ and chill and you don’t want to scare them off with your park stench.

You’re going to want some photos of Disney’s most stunning park. The scenery in Disneyland Paris is honestly breathtaking and will make for some fire Instagram content. Please do not use your phone to take photos of your expensive and perhaps once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Also, think of all the weird people you encounter in any theme park. Don’t you want to capture those freaks in all their glory? Buying a camera is extremely confusing but this is literally the best mirrorless camera available for the price and dead simple to master.

I don’t know what your face looks like but I know you will look good in Wayfarers. Everyone does. The kid from Mask would look good in Wayfarers. They’re also far higher quality than the garbage sunglasses you’ll pick up from some street vendor and, since you’re going to need some sun protection, you might as well look good while doing so.

It is going to rain in Disneyland Paris, I’m sorry to say. Rather than buying a Mickey-themed garbage bag to flap around the park in, plan in advance and shove something of quality into your new backpack. This Hunter Boots poncho will have you looking more like a chic vacationer and less like a serial killer hunting down 90s teens.

A day in a theme park, for me at least, destroys my body — necessitating at least four kinds of pills, from pain relievers to antacids. Rather than carry an entire pharmacy in your bag all day, pick up a pill organizer and have your potions and party poppers at the ready. You don’t need this insanely gorgeous model from Jonathan Adler, but it literally says “Quaaludes” on it so… don’t you want it?

Disneyland Paris is an incredible experience and one anyone can find something to enjoy. It’s a must go for Disney fans, of course, but even the casual traveler can use a day of nostalgia and comfort. Hopefully these items will help you on your journey and they’ll likely come in handy for your treks through the more highfalutin parts of France as well. Just don’t blame me if the TSA thinks you’re smuggling quaaludes over international borders.